Comments on: Are You Experiencing Pain in Friendship?

By: lee

lee — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:20:49 +0000

What if a painful situation involves a family member for ex. a sister?
Where a sister thinks you have not been a good friend because you have hurt them? And, after asking for forgiveness for these things I have done or said (some intentional, most unintentional)does not receive full forgiveness because she brings them up again and again each time she is offended. And so, I have chosen to draw boundaries to protect myself from her because she can say hurtful things disquised as “just joking” and other reasons. And, now acts hurt and is upset wondering why I don’t spend any time with her and why do I spend more time with my friends. She doesn’t have any friends to do things with besides our mom. I have tried to share why I don’t do things with her as much, one, she is always late, she said that is shallow of me, two, she would always want to go to the mall with toddlers, that was not any fun for me, but she could never see from my perspective and get defensive and continue to argue about why? Why don’t I want to go to the mall? How can I be so shallow about not wanting to plan things with her anymore just because she’s late. I could go on and on. THe hard part about all of this is I what to do what God would have me do, but it is hard trying to talk to someone about issues who never try and see things from another’s perspective. So, if this was a friend and not a sister I could let that friendship go. What do you do with a sister you can’t get along with or see eye to eye? ANd, too she has gotten so angry with me that she has torn me down as a person. Attacking my personality with mean words. I have not done that to her in any of our disagreements. She has done it many times and then wants to cont. on with our lives as if she never said anything. SHe excuses it as saying, “I was just angry, I didn’t really mean that.”
What do I do, Dee?
Thank you,
Lee

By: Dee Brestin

Dee Brestin — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:13:55 +0000

My initial reaction Erica is that you can’t be that friend to him. I know if I were in your shoes I would always be hoping that by being with him he’d realize that he wants me as more than a friend — but that is probably not going to happen. I think the wisest course would be to cool it and encourage him to pray for some strong Christian guys. You don’t need to explain — he will no doubt understand why.

But it will be hard to do.

I’ll pray for you. I’m sorry for the pain. I love your honesty, however.

By: Erica L.

Erica L. — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:38:07 +0000

Friendships are painful, but the trials help make them stronger. At this moment I am going through some pain in one of my friendships. My friendship is not the female-female, my friend is a guy. We have spent time with each other, shared personal things with one another, and encouraged each other. The hard part is that over time I have started to like him more than a friend, but he only needs a friend. He has moved away from his family and friends due to his job, so he has no one here. I am the only one from our church group that he has seen/found that connection with. I want to be that friend he needs but my feelings for him are getting in the way. How can I get passed my feelings for him and be the friend he needs and the friend I am called to be?

By: Mary P.

Mary P. — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:21:59 +0000

In talking about pain and distance in a relationship, I think of the verse in Amos 3:3, which says, (NLT), “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” I had a friend who I had been friends with for many years, and a few years ago, she told me she had seperated from her husband. Now, my friend, as long as I had known her, she had been a godly woman, trying to serve the Lord, with a gentle and humble heart. We don’t live close, so she would e-mail me and I would just listen, for I thought, surely, there must some reason I don’t know about. My heart was open toward my friend, for I loved her very much. We had been there for each other for many years in different ways. And in many ways, she was like a mentor to me, in my early Christian walk. My heart was open, waiting and longing to hear – something – to help me to “be on her side” help me to understand her decision. But nothing ever came, she would say things like, “I just never really loved him.” “I married him because he was a Christian, and my friends said he would change.” She had moved in with a friend of hers, and a little while after that, she had told me – she had met someone and had “fallen” in love. Now, before this, my friend and I had a great relationship, a long distance one, but a good one! We had always been honest with each other, and she had even helped me a few times when “I” had been going in the wrong direction – this was the type of relationship we had. So, as gently as I knew how, I told her, I didn’t really agree and since that time, she has pulled further and further from me. I wanted to “support” her but I couldn’t. So, don’t you think sometimes it is “sin” that seperates us? Don’t you think that sometimes, people don’t want to be around those who remind them, that what they are doing is wrong, when they don’t want to do what is right?

By: Remi

Remi — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:39:28 +0000

uww…it’s not pretty to look into the mirror and see what others see, especially when that image is a more true image of myself. Thank you for helping me see clearer, though it’s not a “prettier” picture of me but a more accurate one. What you have helped me to see is my own “idolotrous” heart. I put my friend in the place of God in my life, and when she failed me,(as anyone in that place would do), I was hurt and wounded. And by putting her in that place and because of that, I hurt and wounded her also. I failed to be a friend. Thank you for the “wounds” that help to heal me.

By: Dee Brestin

Dee Brestin — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:30:59 +0000

I agree with Mary — beautiful description. We can’t really know our hearts outside of caring community. Even when I look in the mirror, I don’t really look — I move so I see my best side — and keep my hips below the mirror. Same way with my inner self — I’m afraid to see — and yet need to see. But not just anyone can help me. Makes me think about the proverb: An enemy multiplies kisses but wounds from a friend can be trusted.

By: Mary P.

Mary P. — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:10:37 +0000

Beautiful way of describing a friendship Barb!

By: barb

barb — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 02:39:20 +0000

Doesn’t it seem to say that we have a responsibility to study each other? If the purposes of our hearts are like deep waters, they are buried deep to only be discovered by those who diligently seek to know us.

What an honor to be cared for so deeply by another person. Someone who has chosen to invest the gift of time to get to know us, to dig deeper especially when we hide out of fear and mistrust.

In turn, it is such a privilege to be that ‘treasure hunter’ in someone else’s life to find out we have found precious gems.

By: Dee Brestin

Dee Brestin — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 23:07:16 +0000

Amy — such good wisdom. It takes real maturity not to expect something back — I think that can only come when the Lord is the One you are clinging to, having meet your needs. So good.

By: Dee Brestin

Dee Brestin — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 13:38:42 +0000

This from FTL — from the Moody Forum —
Dear Remi,

Sorry to make you wait so long. FULL days, and I will confess, I forgot about it when I would have had the opportunity.

What I say next is said out my own struggles with a friendship.
I’ve felt quite manipulated by the other person. She says she wants to hear my heart, but when I tell her things that have factored into the way I’m relating, she passes it off, and doesn’t appear to see how it has hurt me. Her way of relating has killed a lot of my desire for friendship. I want to just run away. But I don’t feel freedom from God to do that at this point. I will confess, I am not sure what is the right way to pursue relationship. For right now, I am going to God and seeking HIM.

I appreciated Dee’s last response. She already echoed one of the things that made me cringe–that of implying your friendship must go on. In connection with that is this quote from your
letter: “I’m not a stalker, or a stupid person, but I am a gift of God’s love toward you. You can accept it or reject it.” If there is deep pain in her heart because of something you have done or said, that will feel like a twisting barb in her heart.
If there’s pain, she’s supposed to consider it God’s gift and something she needs to just accept?

“If you were my sister, I would say – ‘What’s wrong with you?
How come you don’t write – what’s going on?’” This part of the letter points toward her. The problem is with her, or she would be communicating. This makes me want to turn away.

There is also the feeling that pressure is being put on for your friend to get her act together and mend this friendship so you can quit hurting.

I wholeheartedly agree with Dee. Make your statements be “I”
statements. Ask questions to invite her to share her heart. But don’t compel her to tell anything she doesn’t feel safe telling.

These parts draw me: “As a friend, I’m not sure what type of friend I am. I’m hurt because I thought we were better friends.”
“I want to be found faithful.” You are baring your own heart. I hear a lot of pain too. Don’t make your friend responsible to meet you in your pain. Find someone else to help you sort through things. Find comfort for your pain in Jesus.

There’s a lot of push/pull in your letter. I don’t know if you’ve given the letter. If you haven’t, I think it would be wise to work through some of your pain, and then write another letter.

Hugs and prayers,
FTL